Step One: Agree to make applesauce for Thanksgiving dinner.
Step Two: Come to the brilliant conclusion that you can kill two birds with one stone by making more, making it organic, and freezing it into cubes for your child to eat for several months.
Step Three: When asked if you want a bushel of organic apples to be purchased for you at the Farmer’s Market, say yes.
Step Four: Do NOT give a second thought to how many apples might be in a bushel, it can’t be that many, right?
Step Five: When the huge box (which apparently contains a bushel) of apples arrives at your house, do not flinch or give said apples any thought until you absolutely have to.
Step Six: Make a plan with a willing participant (mothers/grandmothers work very well for this purpose) to make the applesauce over the course of a day at their house so that your kitchen isn’t destroyed and you will have help with your child.
Step Seven: Carefully expose your child to a very nasty virus.
Step Eight: Scrap your earlier plan to create the applesauce in someone else’s house (in a brand new, fantastic kitchen that’s twice the size of yours) in favor of inviting your helper over to your house because your child is now too sick to take out into the cold, wind, and rain.
Step Nine: When your helper arrives take advantage of the chance to go to two grocery stores without your sick child.
Step Ten: Make sure to use lots of coupons at the stores, take a disorganized list so that you have to go to the same aisle 4 separate times, and most importantly: walk out of one of the stores only to find that they have charged you the wrong amount for three of your items resulting in a 25 minute session at the “customer service” counter which finally ends in a refund.
Step Eleven: Return home at the time your helper was planning on leaving.
Step Twelve: Make sure your child cries whenever you put him down and has as much snot as is humanly possible running down his face so that your helper will take pity on you and begin coring some apples.
Step Thirteen: Boil the first 60 apples.
Step Fourteen: Bathe your sick child and put him to bed.
Step Fifteen: Enlist another helper (a spouse works very nicely) to help core and wash the remaining 60 apples while you run the first 60 (now cooked) through the ricer.
Step Sixteen: Put the several large containers of apple sauce you now have into storage containers and then in the fridge.
Step Seventeen: Boil the last 60 apples.
Step Eighteen: Run the last 60 apples through the ricer.
Step Nineteen: (It should be at least 11pm by the time you get to this step) Wonder what the hot juice that’s left in the pot would taste like on your sore throat.
Step Twenty: Get your helper to try the hot juice to make sure it’s not poisonous.
Step Twenty-One: Discover that the hot juice is like nectar from the Gods.
Step Twenty-Two: Sieve the remaining juice and use the apple bits in the sauce.
Voila: The World’s Best Cider!