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I’m at my breaking point.  I can’t string two words together and have them make sense.  When I try to talk I either burst into tears or get ridiculously angry.  The following things are the reasons for this:

-Paige hasn’t slept for more than 45 minutes at a stretch all day (and that was only once, the rest of the time it’s been 15 minute increments, if that).
-If she’s not asleep or has a bottle in her mouth she’s screaming.
-She’s completely exhausted and we had just started to turn a corner with getting her sleep under control when whatever is happening right now started happening.
-Sleep begets sleep and she hasn’t slept for any period of time in 24 hours so you do the math.
-I’ve spent the better part of the day on the phone with the doctor’s office and the pharmacy trying to get a prescription filled that we think may help her to feel better (and hopefully stop screaming).
-This particular prescription apparently requires “prior authorization” from the insurance company which takes 3-5 days to acquire.
-I CANNOT listen to this child scream for another 5-7 days (3-5 to get the authorization and 2 more for the medicine to take effect).
-I finally cut a deal with the pharmacy, got the prescription partially filled, and ended up paying $31 for a 5-day supply of the med with the hope that the “prior authorization” comes through before that (and that doing a partial fill on the prescription doesn’t screw up the process and make it so I have to start over from square-one tomorrow which I won’t know until the morning because, of course, all of this was happening up until the point where the pediatrician’s office closed for the day).
-When I finally got the golden pills I was supposed to cut one in half and dissolve it in liquid to give it to Paige.  It broke into thousands of tiny dissolveable parts all over the plate where I cut it and then I ended up spilling it again (on the counter this time) before I completely botched mixing it up properly and dribbled it into my child’s mouth.  I have no way of knowing if she got what she needed to get from that dose so I don’t know if it’s working and we’re out more than $3 just for the attempt.
-I drank a cup of coffee and ate a bagel at 10am (well, I started eating it at 10 and finally finished at around 11) and I didn’t get to eat or drink anything else until 8pm because I was either helping Liam go to the bathroom, putting Liam down for a nap, bathing Liam, holding Paige, attempting to feed Paige, changing Paige’s diaper, talking on the phone to nurse at the doctor’s office, talking on the phone to the pharmacist at the Walgreens, digging through three years of bills and paperwork trying to find the proof that we paid the deductible in 2007 when Liam was born and that we don’t owe Dekalb Medical Center one red dime for services rendered ALMOST THREE YEARS AGO, or weeping (and cursing) on the phone with my mom.
-I am so weary and my eyes are foggy and my back and feet ache in unbelievable ways.
-My child cannot or will not be soothed by me holding her.
-The idea of going back to staying up all night on the couch holding a baby who won’t even sleep on me is almost unbearable.

I want to run away.  I want to have a manageable life again.  I want to be able to get to find out who my daughter is instead of willing her to shut up.  I want to have time to spend with my sweet boy who is craving attention and gives me hugs while saying “Oh Mama, I’ll give you a big hug and that will make you feel better” (and it does, momentarily…).  I want to have the energy to exercise (for both my mental health and my waistline).  I want for me and Matt to have the chance to be rested at the same time.  I want to have the opportunity to do ANYTHING that’s just for me.

Stick a fork in me, I’m done.

It turns out that running two video monitors at the same time may be interfering with our cordless phones.  I say “may be” because the phones no longer ring or let me pick them up.  I keep getting a message that I’m too far away from the base and have lost the signal.  Even when I’m standing over the base.  Also, suspiciously our printer has stopped working…

When given a choice between the video monitor that’s currently watching over the infant who’s actually napping in her crib instead of on top of me (!) I choose the monitor.  If the printer never works again?  I still choose the monitor.  I draw the line at the microwave (since reheating is the only method of “cooking” I’m engaging in right now), but in pretty much any match up, the monitor wins.  Especially if it means Matt and I can both sleep in our bed at the same time instead of splitting time on the couch.

On a related note: if you need me before Paige is three try calling my cell.  I might answer…

Last night I made up a small grocery list in the hopes that I’d be able to go by the grocery store after dropping Liam off, before Paige needed to eat again, and before I needed to be back at the preschool to help set up Liam’s class Halloween Party.

I went to the Publix and purchased organic baby oatmeal and a new paci for Liam.  Publix didn’t have the type of nipples or cereal I’d wanted and Paige was holding steady so I decided that I’d take advantage of already being out and about (since that’s the part that’s the hardest about getting errands run these days) and that I still had a few dollars left on a Target gift card and run into the Target to see if they had the right kind of nipples and/or the rice cereal I was supposed to get in the first place.

I still didn’t find the exact kind of nipples I was looking for, but I found some that may work so I bought those.  I completely forgot that I was supposed to be looking for rice cereal without fillers.  Oops.

After finishing at Liam’s school (and in part because they had pizza and cupcakes for their Halloween party, so Liam wasn’t starving) I decided to run into the Walgreens on our way home just to see if they had the rice cereal I’d since remembered and to check on their nipple selection.  They didn’t have either one.

After finishing at the Walgreens I determined that my children could probably make it through the Kroger I dashed back out to the van, packed everyone in and headed over to the Kroger with my fingers crossed.  They had the rice cereal, thank goodness (although no luck on the specific nipple I’ve been looking for).

And this is where the story gets good.  After I finally made it home, fed Paige, and got Liam down for a nap I went into the fridge to get out the carrot sticks I’d purchased at the grocery store.  The only problem was that there were no carrots.  In fact, nothing on the grocery list I’d made the night before was in the fridge as I expected it to be.

This is because although I went to four separate stores this morning, three of which carry groceries, I did not actually purchase any groceries.  I started mentally retracing my steps and realized that when I was in the Publix on the day’s first leg of errand running and I was trying to remember if there was anything else I needed, instead of remembering that I’d made a grocery list but not purchased the groceries, I somehow translated the making of the grocery list into the actual purchase of the items on the grocery list.

Unfortunately, visualizing food does not make it appear in my fridge.  I want a do-over.

Scene:  Liam is sitting at the table while Matt fixes him some lunch.  Matt begins twirling a roll of paper towels on his finger.  Liam then comes out with the following, without any verbal prompt:

Liam:  “Hey Dad…you’re a funny guy.”

Matt:  [Celebrating]  “Hey Liam…I can die a happy man.”