Author: Shannon

[Scene:  Liam is playing in the living room when he suddenly comes excitedly screaming for me to come in the room.]

Liam:  Mama!  Mama!  MAMA!

Shannon:  Yes, Liam?  Whatcha need, Buddy?

Liam:  Mama!  There’s a bug!  It came out of the couch at me!  Get it Mama!  Get the bug!

Shannon:  What did it look like, Liam?

Liam:  [blank stare]

Shannon:  Was it crawling?  Was it flying?

Liam:  [blinks eyes]

Shannon:  How big was it?

Liam:  [in all seriousness]  Big enough, Mama.  Big enough.

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[Scene:  Liam and Gran are eating lunch.]

Gran:  [makes involuntary noise in her throat while eating]

Liam:  What was that, Gran?  What was that noise?

Gran:  It was my throat making a noise.

Liam:  What was that noise called?

Gran:  It was just a throat noise.

Liam:  But what was it called, Gran?

Gran:  I don’t know, it was just my throat making a noise.  I don’t know what I’d call it.

Liam:  That’s okay, Gran.  We’ll just ask Mama, she’ll know what it’s called.

[I love this particular conversation because the response I always get when I tell Liam I don’t know what something is or the reason for something that’s happening he says:  “That’s okay, Mama.  We’ll just ask Daddy when he gets home from work.  Daddy’ll know.”  I appreciate what appears to be equal respect of both his parents’ all-knowing capabilities.]

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There have also been countless conversations lately centering around anatomy.  I’ll give one example and leave it at that.  This is what we get for teaching him the correct names for things…

[Scene:  Several weeks ago, walking through the Trader Joe’s with Liam in the cart chattering away.]

Liam:  Hey, Mama?

Shannon:  Yes, Liam?

Liam:  Hey Mama, I have a penis because boys and men have penises and ladies have paginas, that’s what ladies have, but I don’t have a pagina, I have a penis.

Shannon:  That’s right Liam, but remember how we talked about the fact that those are private parts and that means we talk about them in private which means we talk about them at home?

Liam:  Yep.

Shannon:  Are we in private right now?

Liam:  Nope, we’re in the Trader Joe’s.

Shannon:  That’s right.  We can talk about your private parts, we just need to wait until we’re in private to do it.

Liam:  Okay Mama, but I have a penis and a scrotum and inside my scrotum I have two testicles (holds up two fingers).  Count them:  one, two.  I have one penis, one scrotum, and two testicles.

Shannon:  I think you might be missing the point here, Liam…

[As an aside:  Why do children always seem to say things like this when they’re around either someone who grimaces in a most disapproving way at the parent (as if that parent could do anything other than what the parent is obviously doing) or people who are obviously amused and (although they may or may not be aware that displaying this amusement will probably encourage the behavior in the future) can’t help themselves but to laugh?]

Number of articles of clothing/burp cloths/exersaucer seats/changing pads covered in poop as of 8:45am = 0

Number of articles of clothing/burp cloths/exersaucer seats/changing pads covered in poop as of 8:46am = 8

Number of parental units in our house at 8:45am = 2

Number of parental units in our house at 8:46am = 1

Number of poop-covered feet on our baby at 8:46am = 2

Number of poop-covered feet in our baby’s mouth at 8:47am = 2

Number of poop-covered hands on our baby at 8:47am = 0

Number of poop-covered hands on our baby at 8:47:30 = 2

Current approximate height of our baby = 27″

Approximate number of inches of our baby (in height) covered in poop at 8:48am = 23″

Approximate height of our baby’s head = 7″

Approximate depth of our baby’s belly button = 1/2″

Approximate amount of our baby’s belly button filled with poop at 8:48am = 75%

Total number of crevices between our baby’s toes = 8

Total number of crevices between our baby’s toes covered in poop at 8:48am = 7

Number of baths required in our house as a result of the events of the morning = 2

Number of moms in our house who need a vacation = 1

Yesterday I put Paige down on her tummy in her crib while I went to help Liam in the bathroom.  She’s finally tolerating “tummy time” for more than a few seconds so I thought I’d let her spend a few minutes on her belly.  She basically spends the time in a full-on Superman position (coincidence, or genes?  we’ll never know…) while teetering back and forth and ultimately getting super angry that she’s not in any position other than the one in which she finds herself.

Not this time.

I heard her screeching in frustration (as usual) for a few minutes and then she was back to cooing and gurgling (and, let’s be honest:  screeching and yelling out excitedly).  I finished up with Liam and went to check on her and found that (you guessed it) she had turned over onto her back.  I’ve basically been (slightly neurotically) watching her weeble to the brink of rolling over (from both belly to back and vice versa) for a solid month waiting for this to happen.  And she does it for the first time when I leave the room.  I am trapped in this house with these children for all but about two hours per week.  The very least that I’d like to take from it is not missing their milestones and triumphs.

I know she’ll do it again when I’m watching, but I hate that I missed the first time.

Why do you have to be so expensive?  I want to go home.  I want my kids to go to your schools.  I want to go home.  I want to walk on your sidewalks and paint my real baseboards in my living room with its 10′ ceilings.  I want to go home.  I want to know my neighbors and walk to the square for ice cream and live close enough to drop my kids off at their grandparents’ houses without it taking half an hour or more.  Did I mention that I want to go home?

If you could turn around the housing crisis, restore the value in my home, and move yourself closer to Matt’s work I’d really appreciate it.  I know you can do it!

Love,

Shannon