Dear Maternity Underwear Designers,

Now I’m no “designer” but being in my second pregnancy has given me some insight into your profession that I hope you don’t mind me sharing.

First off, wanting to have a low-cut front (so as not to pinch anything important, like the fetus) does not mean that that same person wants a thong (really?  seriously?) or a backside that’s cut so tiny that you might as well have made it a thong, because it has the same effect.

Secondly, although it is true that many pregnant women (including myself) do not enjoy being bound or pinched, this does not mean that making a pair of underwear without any elastic around the legs is the solution to that particular problem.  The only thing elastic-less legholes accomplish is another thong re-creation (which takes us back to my earlier point).

Lastly, those tents that you used to declare the only acceptable maternity undergarment?  Remember those?  With enough fabric to clothe a small village?  There are still a few available options in this vintage style and they create the dreaded panty line straight across the gut, which is possibly less flattering than the usual location of a panty line (a problem for which the thong was originally invented, which brings us full-circle).

I know I am not unique in this area.  I am not the only pregnant woman who walks around all day long doing unladylike things in public in a vain attempt to rectify the uncomfortable situation.  So on behalf of all pregnant women, both present and future, I’d like to ask you to go back to the drawing board.  Otherwise a boycott’s coming and nobody wants that, least of all me.

Sincerely,

Shannon Connolly